Thursday, June 28, 2012

Me and my Body

9 months on, 9 months off, right?
Not so much.
I have been frustrated with my weight and my body especially after the initial disappointment of not fitting right back into my pre-baby clothes.

For a while I threw tantrums. Full on melt downs when I had to get dressed. Trevor would come into our room where I was crying on the floor one pant leg as far as it would go (up to my knee) surrounded by all the other pants in my closet. "Nothing fits me!" I sobbed.

Now here is where I have hands down the most amazing husband in the whole world. He would gather me into his arms, every wobbly bit, and sincerely profess his love for me, my body, and for our daughter that lived and grew so protectively inside my pudgy parts. It is amazing how even in those moments he could turn my feelings of disgust and somehow I would feel beautiful.

So I began to take a new approach.
Ok, I told myself, it took some time to get here (not much) so I will give myself some time to get the extra weight off. Even though it's not fair at all that all of my sisters and my mom slipped right back to pre-baby body after all their kids. Rude.

But I have been surprised at my results.
As I work out and eat as well as I can, the pounds are still pretty much there. But instead of feeling disappointed I actually am coming to embrace my curves.
Don't get me wrong, I would love to have the body I had before being pregnant.
But I realized why make myself miserable and everyone around me miserable when no one but me cares?
I could be a size two but unless I have a smile on my face no one still would want to be around me.
Because in fact, I still do have the body I had before I was pregnant, but it's wiser now. It completely transformed itself to house a miracle.
I feel sad that instead of praising my body for all it did to adequately grow and sustain another human life, I hated on it, and looked at it with revulsion.

Since realizing my evil thoughts and actions I have been trying to come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.
As I get closer I find that I feel stronger. My body and I work together better. I have a greater desire to take care of my body and it takes better care of me.


  1. Oh April, what a fabulous post. I have had a really difficult time feeling good about my body since baby number two, and I really related to what you said about your body being wiser now. What a beautiful way to encapsulate how a body changes after birth- it changes so much more than physically. Thanks for sharing and expressing something most women can agree with!

  2. Well said! It is 2 years later...and it is still such a struggle for me! I think you look great, and I am glad your hubby is so awesome too.

  3. Trev is awesome and so are you. He is right you know.

    Plus, if you did loose the baby weight you would just get prego again and it would come back.. that mean cycle. You are really doing your body a favor.

    Um..I come to UT in like a week almost! AHHH!!!!! that was too dramatic.

  4. Love this post! I have the same struggles but I would take those struggles any day to have my beautiful kids. Kuddos to Trevor as well. Sometimes we need to listen to our husbands more :)

  5. I hear you and completely agree with you about everything even the sisters/sister in laws who slip back to their skinny selves as the baby leaves their bodies.
    It always takes me at least 14 months to get all the weight completely off even when I am determined to have it off in nine.

  6. Man, oh man, I love you so much. I know I can't speak from experience yet, but I've struggled with loving my body, and comparing myself to family members too. Also, because of health issues, I can't work out which makes me feel like a failure as a future mother--"Ahh! Help! I'm not gorgeous now, I'll be a total mess when I'm pregnant, and oh my gosh, I'll be a whale for years afterwards!"

    What makes me wonder is where do we get these incredible standards? Are they real? Do we make them up?

    I'm convinced seriously--evil forces are at work to make us hate our bodies, instead of hailing them as incredible! You made a human! You are superwoman! Your pant size does not determine your worth, your intelligence, your beauty, your success as a woman, or a mother.

    I'm learning to say, "to everything there is a season." and knowing that we don't have to fight our bodies so much makes it easier, I think.

    Okay...rant over. :)

  7. Steed people admire you so much more than you know. You've always been a wise soul.
    And I totally agree with your friend who said that it is evil forces at work when we don't see our bodies as amazing... especially when it comes to women who sacrifice their comfort to bear children.

  8. Aps, I love your smile, I love your body, I love your Bridget and your Trevor.... You are a very smart gal, way to kick the negative self talk... And I have heard some bodies keep the weight till they are done nursing.

    Love you mean it, let's play next week?!

  9. i was so obnoxious about my body after landon was born, cameron finally put his foot down and said i was no longer allowed to say the "f" word. fat. it's seriously a forbidden word in our house cause it made cam sick that i would talk about myself like that after growing a baby and giving birth. i was only allowed to say i wanted to be healthier. and honestly, it helped me realize that i should just want to be healthy. skinny doesn't matter...healthy does.

    and p.s. remember that it's not 9 months on, 9 months off. i'm assuming you're still breastfeeding. april, your body is still not your own. it's bridget's.